coaching reflections - let go of goal setting

Some reflections from coaching to help expat women find freedom and energy

Ikaria - Blue stairs, blue ocean

When have you heard someone say (in a slightly awestruck tone) – ‘she’s so driven and focused it’s amazing’

Next question – how did that make you feel?

I don’t know about you but I’m guessing you thought something along the lines of ‘why am I not like this? what’s wrong with me? I really need to be more goals-focused.’

Some advice from a coaching point of view:

No, you don’t - goals and goal-setting are fine if they work for you but they’re not the be-all and end-all for making change.

I’m suggesting a tinier (but still powerful and science-backed) alternative.

Small daily habits – that can become routines, that (may) become rituals.

Full disclosure - I’m reading that behaviour change classic ‘Atomic Habits’ by James Clear (link below – highly recommend) so these are not my completely original ideas.

I am, however, adding an expat-woman specific slant which I’m hoping may be useful.

I’ll dive into the thing which I hear most often here and IRL from women living abroad:

It’s lonely – I want to meet new people but I feel exhausted by all the work it takes to connect.

As a certified, gold-standard introvert who moved abroad just over a year ago I know this struggle is real.

That means for me, and possibly you, that meeting and interacting with new people really does bring about physical and emotional tiredness.

You’re not imagining things and it’s Ok.

Studies indicate (cultural caveat – studies conducted in Western developed nations) that extroverts make up about 2/3 of the population and introverts about 1/3. Very ballpark but generally accepted.

What this means is that extroversion is frequently lauded as ‘normal’ and desirable.

The good news is that being an introvert doesn’t make you intrinsically less likely to meet new people and develop a circle of friends.

It means that the commonly thrown out advice (‘just keep putting yourself out there’; ‘go to lots of meetups’; ‘join a sports club/language class/social group’ …) may not feel right for you. A lot of it comes from extroverts and may work best for most people but perhaps not you.

It’s from this extrovert place that the idea of ‘organic’ social connection comes. The thinking is that, like a pinball - if you hit up against enough bumpers you’ll score points.

But this is not real life when you are a single expat woman in a new place … Sundays can seem long and lonely.

So, what can you do instead and what’s the link with habits?  These are some tiny habits you may like to try (or they may give you ideas for your own small experiments with change – which is absolutely OK).

• FIRST – Appreciate that you are you and this is OK! Stopping the scroll to see what everyone else is doing may help here.

• Notice what and how you feel in each ‘meeting new people’ situation – (all change-related behaviour starts with attention to what’s going on)

TINY HABIT – ‘When I introduce myself to someone new I will pause briefly to mentally check on my energy and anxiety’ – you could even have a simple scale 1 – 5 (very relaxed to quite uptight!). Make a note about your observations (later – not in the moment – that might be weird 🙂).

Over time you will notice that there are situations where you feel more at ease and people that you like and would like to get to know better.

• Seek out situations where the context is familiar or something you like, so that talking with people you don’t know feels more relaxed - more you. (The next step in behaviour-change is being intentional)

TINY HABIT – ‘Each week on XX (day) I will attend 1 local, regular class/event (IRL not online & in something that you like/are good at/feels familiar)’. Identify the thing and be intentional about pursuing it, for the enjoyment of the thing regardless of the social interaction.

• Do the thing and notice what happens (back to attention).  Then extend the behaviour with a habit to build on and deepen any connections you may make.

TINY HABIT – ‘When I arrive home from work on Wednesdays I will plan for Sunday - I will msg/call (at least 1 acquaintance or 1 person I’ve recently met) to see if we can meet for coffee/a drink/a run/a pilates/yoga class’. Add to your observations – who and what did you notice/enjoy? (I know that this may feel uncomfortable – but being uncomfortable tells you there’s a risk – and an opportunity – either way you’ll learn and grow.

There’s no change without action – and a habit is just repeated action. Over time you may notice that your new social habit has become a comfortable routine … and your routine social connections may become so enjoyable they feel like a ritual!

To finish – a couple of points and some advice

• You find ‘a tribe’ one person at a time (especially if you are an introvert)

• Tiny regular actions can build into comfortable routines

• Ritual is just routine with the added dimension of meaning and connection.  

And finally, this simple, practical advice from a seasoned expat woman (not me)….

‘If you meet someone that you like and think you would like to get to know them – be bold and ask for their number – don’t just assume you’ll just cross paths again’.